Does Not Go Away But Better

Self sabotage, I was thinking about it the last couple of days and Scale Junkie's post asking about it got me thinking more than I what seemed like a comment.  

To start, this evening at dinner Doritos were being chomped (first time in over two years, what was I thinking) and thank goodness it was only a small shared bag because it would have probably gone on as long as they were available (possibly more if going and getting added bags was an option).  Looking back it was sheer blowing off steam eating with a bash of Oh who cares anymore.  It has been a week again!  The rest of tonight has been mini silent heated self discussions on going for other possibilities.  See at this point I cannot  have a little bit of "whatever " trigger foods.  Certain things just flip the switch.  There was a time in past years that moderation or "planned small portions" worked.  Now the taste buds switch to junk favoring unlike they are when I eat the clean healthy foods. When eating without junk (salty or sugary) and processed foods, veggies and fruit taste better and different.   As to how I stick to it now, back at the start of this health issues MADE it necessary.  No more warnings or this can happen.  You see the fat in organs (in my opinion worse than seeing it on the body) and having to have blood tests at least every six months hit home.  The fact that eating some of the things can make me really sick, the body just does not process it very well any more helps most of the time.  But who wants to get there?  It was not until the menu changed that I even realized how a lot of what was going in was causing different issues.  But back to the self sabotage.  Tonight is remnants of the list of reasons for me.  When it is all to much this is my drug and I get to who cares if it takes me out thinking.  As things added the mind went to the list of pacifiers and when they were all labeled "not possible"  the partial bag of cheesy crispiness screamed, I'm here, I'll help.  Desperation said just go for it!    It was licking my orange finger tips for the last taste that got me realizing, what in the world are you doing!  Brought back some thoughts to fight the darker ones.  After all none of the issues of the week were cured after chomping them down and added bites would not really help as some part of my mind was trying to reason.  At that point the plan of mindful living and health can start to try and trump again.  After all without the unwanted choices I'd started to get the eczema and hormone problems lately why ask for more problems.  

Fear from many stems has been a trigger in the past.  Dealing with my son's anxiety and OCD  issue has shown me that fear is a large part of this as well.  A lot of what they want him to do is the same for this issue (and funny a lot of what I'd found in yoga that he teased me for).  He fights it and like his mom over the years says this just will not work for me (but see fear again fear it will not work).  The difference this time around for me was it HAD to work, and it did.  Just some of his "homework", breathe through it,  journal, planned strategies,  and one of the hardest now facing it/living through it for set period of times.  At the end of that noting he can get through it, that the anxiety/fears will lessen and the world does not come to an end.  

Deprivation, a biggie in the past!  When it comes to food, people can fast for long periods, they do not have to have that ice cream or Doritios ;-).  I can go without, it is not a deprivation.  It is a choice.  In other parts of life there are things I enjoy that I could consume (vacations, cars, jewelry the list goes on) but instead the college funds and the like were chosen.  Have not sat back and thought, oh I did not get to have "X", it's not fair, just because I think I want it I should have it, someone else has it so I should have it.  I give the item it's value or not.  Is happiness in life eating whatever and/or how much or is that one more thing I think is needed and a given.  

Hormones and blood sugars, argh!  I'd like to throw in taste bud sensitivity also.  The first two can mess things up and need to be dealt with.  They make self sabotage so much easier.  They are stealth SS.  They whisper and you may not even realize where it is coming from.  Both once started can keep cycling around until dealt with, for me cravings.  Cravings are the out of the blue all consuming, must have like the dog on the commercials for a bacony treat acted.   The taste bud sensitivity is unlike cravings.  It hits with the sensitive food on the tongue.  I remember closer to the beginning a family member saying you just have to try a bit of this.  Yes I gave in and that little bit (and it was) set off a long period of give me something sweet, more More MORE, are you not listening said voices in my head.  It was way to fast for blood sugars or anything like that.  After talking to people I'd found a couple tricks to help, brushing your teeth or mint they said sugar free gum but for me even the scent of mint helped (use mint scented lip balm).  The best not to have them.  

There are plenty of other reasons out there for any kind of sabotage.  In the end it seemed to me the questions I had hated, why do you want this and do you need this are two of the three that I need to ask and really give more than passing thoughts answers.  For to many years the answers were, because and hell yeah, way to many times.  The third question, why not have this is the big brother to the first two.  There to keep the first two in check.  

Hope and belief has to trump fear.  Gratitude tops deprivation feelings.  Centering leads back from emotions and leads to calm and rational thoughts and wants.  And when a fall comes along, to whatever depths, breathe and take a step on.  The world did not end (after all I'm telling my son that, it has to be true).