Some Hope Again

Maybe overkill but YAY!  

Finally a loss  (2 pounds) with Sunday weigh in today.

It felt like it was never going to start down again.  Now to keep it moving.  Plan for this coming week is to kick my butt at the gym again! 

Cardio and Talking

Just not sure... today the plan was to power through all the work out.  A peek at the scale had the motivation level up.  It is only Tuesday but there was a little drop (now to keep it off until Sunday weigh in) after the four week stall.  Just as I was getting starting on the treadmill a very nice woman started the machine right along side.  She was nicely dressed, thin  and loaded with magazines and a book.  She began at a light pace which never changed and also started talking.  In a different setting or time she would have been a great person to get to talk with.  The problem, the plan was to keep things at a level where talking would not be at a comfortable level.  I thought the sweat dripping and difficult talking would be a clue as time went on.  Is it rude to not want to be chatty through your workout? How do you nicely let someone know this is not really the time you want to have a conversation?  Keep hoping someone would get on the machine on the other side of her and they might start talking.  In the end got a good workout in.  Feeling pretty sore after three days of good work outs.  Back at it tomorrow.

Got Some New Shoes On

 New shoes this evening.  Went neighborhood walking to try them out and they are feeling great.  They are like the hiking boots by Merrell I'd gotten this winter.  They have the same features. Hoping they work as well at the gym.  The New Balance shoes I'd gotten after the surgery work fine for everyday walking but not as well during harder cardio at the gym. Which I really found out today.  With Sunday's numbers deciding not to budge, the plan this week is to get in and push hard all week.  While the foot was acting up I decided to try shoes like the boots.  They are so light weight with nice support.  Looking forward to putting them through the paces tomorrow.

Wow I'd forgotten how much the Ipod helped me get through the work outs at the gym. It was left on the charger this morning.  Cardio feels like a long time without tunes.  For some reason the gym did not have their music on either.  It lets the mind wander, but still kept an eye on the time and levels.  This week is going to show a loss, all the sweat and sore muscles will make it happen!  The next class session sign ups start soon.  The classes start in March I'm really ready for them. 

Scale Seems Content

   The numbers were still the same with this weeks weigh in.  Four weeks at this place.  Guess it is better than a gain... but.  It was only four days of the gym this week and one with exercise at home. Have to do better this coming week!  Bumped up the weights on the machines and picked up some laps on the track so it is starting to get back to before, really feeling it already.  BBL there's a house full.

Watch Out Here He Comes

Happy Valentines Day

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Does Not Go Away But Better

Self sabotage, I was thinking about it the last couple of days and Scale Junkie's post asking about it got me thinking more than I what seemed like a comment.  

To start, this evening at dinner Doritos were being chomped (first time in over two years, what was I thinking) and thank goodness it was only a small shared bag because it would have probably gone on as long as they were available (possibly more if going and getting added bags was an option).  Looking back it was sheer blowing off steam eating with a bash of Oh who cares anymore.  It has been a week again!  The rest of tonight has been mini silent heated self discussions on going for other possibilities.  See at this point I cannot  have a little bit of "whatever " trigger foods.  Certain things just flip the switch.  There was a time in past years that moderation or "planned small portions" worked.  Now the taste buds switch to junk favoring unlike they are when I eat the clean healthy foods. When eating without junk (salty or sugary) and processed foods, veggies and fruit taste better and different.   As to how I stick to it now, back at the start of this health issues MADE it necessary.  No more warnings or this can happen.  You see the fat in organs (in my opinion worse than seeing it on the body) and having to have blood tests at least every six months hit home.  The fact that eating some of the things can make me really sick, the body just does not process it very well any more helps most of the time.  But who wants to get there?  It was not until the menu changed that I even realized how a lot of what was going in was causing different issues.  But back to the self sabotage.  Tonight is remnants of the list of reasons for me.  When it is all to much this is my drug and I get to who cares if it takes me out thinking.  As things added the mind went to the list of pacifiers and when they were all labeled "not possible"  the partial bag of cheesy crispiness screamed, I'm here, I'll help.  Desperation said just go for it!    It was licking my orange finger tips for the last taste that got me realizing, what in the world are you doing!  Brought back some thoughts to fight the darker ones.  After all none of the issues of the week were cured after chomping them down and added bites would not really help as some part of my mind was trying to reason.  At that point the plan of mindful living and health can start to try and trump again.  After all without the unwanted choices I'd started to get the eczema and hormone problems lately why ask for more problems.  

Fear from many stems has been a trigger in the past.  Dealing with my son's anxiety and OCD  issue has shown me that fear is a large part of this as well.  A lot of what they want him to do is the same for this issue (and funny a lot of what I'd found in yoga that he teased me for).  He fights it and like his mom over the years says this just will not work for me (but see fear again fear it will not work).  The difference this time around for me was it HAD to work, and it did.  Just some of his "homework", breathe through it,  journal, planned strategies,  and one of the hardest now facing it/living through it for set period of times.  At the end of that noting he can get through it, that the anxiety/fears will lessen and the world does not come to an end.  

Deprivation, a biggie in the past!  When it comes to food, people can fast for long periods, they do not have to have that ice cream or Doritios ;-).  I can go without, it is not a deprivation.  It is a choice.  In other parts of life there are things I enjoy that I could consume (vacations, cars, jewelry the list goes on) but instead the college funds and the like were chosen.  Have not sat back and thought, oh I did not get to have "X", it's not fair, just because I think I want it I should have it, someone else has it so I should have it.  I give the item it's value or not.  Is happiness in life eating whatever and/or how much or is that one more thing I think is needed and a given.  

Hormones and blood sugars, argh!  I'd like to throw in taste bud sensitivity also.  The first two can mess things up and need to be dealt with.  They make self sabotage so much easier.  They are stealth SS.  They whisper and you may not even realize where it is coming from.  Both once started can keep cycling around until dealt with, for me cravings.  Cravings are the out of the blue all consuming, must have like the dog on the commercials for a bacony treat acted.   The taste bud sensitivity is unlike cravings.  It hits with the sensitive food on the tongue.  I remember closer to the beginning a family member saying you just have to try a bit of this.  Yes I gave in and that little bit (and it was) set off a long period of give me something sweet, more More MORE, are you not listening said voices in my head.  It was way to fast for blood sugars or anything like that.  After talking to people I'd found a couple tricks to help, brushing your teeth or mint they said sugar free gum but for me even the scent of mint helped (use mint scented lip balm).  The best not to have them.  

There are plenty of other reasons out there for any kind of sabotage.  In the end it seemed to me the questions I had hated, why do you want this and do you need this are two of the three that I need to ask and really give more than passing thoughts answers.  For to many years the answers were, because and hell yeah, way to many times.  The third question, why not have this is the big brother to the first two.  There to keep the first two in check.  

Hope and belief has to trump fear.  Gratitude tops deprivation feelings.  Centering leads back from emotions and leads to calm and rational thoughts and wants.  And when a fall comes along, to whatever depths, breathe and take a step on.  The world did not end (after all I'm telling my son that, it has to be true). 

Okay Body, Fighting Back

The pool's memoboard message today...

Defeat should not be thought of as a discouragement

 but a source of a fresh stimulus.

To be honest I was fighting feeling defeated.  It has been so long since things have really been moving like the first year.  Wish just eating right would work alone but that is not to be.  Yesterday I'd decided it was hit the workouts hard this week, no matter what.  

Gym workout today

track 30 min. (speed walk # of laps getting back up there)

weight machines (three sets of reps each)

rowing machine 10 min.(to hard on the foot so had to stop)

bike 25 min. (10 min random, 10 hills, 5 race)

pool 60 min (about 15 min hand weights rest laps swimming and upright w/hand weights). 

Foot was almost to swollen to get the shoe on but it is back down now.  

Husband wants to take a walk tonight and hoping to get the reformer in tonight also.  

...well off to some work.

45 min neighborhood walk

This Weeks Mantra

Today's weigh in was a little disheartening.  It was still the same numbers on the scale.  I'm just not getting anywhere with this anymore.  The week's eating was fine but not much strong exercise.  Did not get time to play princess but between being sick in the start of the week and events, workouts just did not find a place.  It HAS to be different this coming week.  It will be different this week!

Here goes the happy

The evening just kept throwing things right and left but it is, turn in time and...

* son is breathing better so things are starting to turn around some

* did not turn to chocolate anything

* did not give in to picking up the ooey gooiest baked mostaccioli next to one of the errands

* did not lose it with anyone at any turn today

* got everything done that HAD to get done

* though the college guy's computer has crashed we will get to see him this weekend when he comes home to get it worked on, hopefully fixed

* I stopped sneezing, yeah

* did not drink anything stronger than hot tea

* tomorrow is suppose to warm up!

Bring on Thankfully Thrilling Thursday :-)

Slap Slap

Whooo a bit of a scare

 just kidding but it has been a day!

Wake up still feeling pretty bad with this cold and fighting with my son about getting up and going to school.  He has missed so much already.  Get home from taking him and husband needs somethings done for him because he is late and not well either. Then  mom calls she needs some help.  As that is wrapping up the school nurse calls.  She has been "discussing" the not feeling well with my son.  After much go around he is coming home, she does not agree with this.  When home he shows me raw red skin and hived areas. This and he is jumpy and he says aching everywhere badly.  Call the doctor, get a nurse who is thinking he should come in.  By the time of the appointment he definitely looks like and is showing signs he should be seen.   I am feeling guilty for the morning doubting.  It turns out he is having an allergic reaction to his latest antibiotic.  So it is off all the meds he is taking and switching to dealing with this for now.  Get him back home and resting so I can pick up his new prescriptions.  One problem is the medicine for the reaction is one that set off tremors last year so we are to watch him.  Then it is call the therapist because he is not making his session today, I think that is understandable.  No, he did not give twenty four hours notice for cancelation so it will be a 150 dollar charge.  Gee, we forgot to plan this fun allergic reaction.  What can you do?  Just hate throwing way the money.  Not to mention the money for the medicines that did not work, then the medicines that he reacted to and now more medicine.  Just wish out of all this he was actually feeling well, poor guy.  In that vein the school mentioned if he misses two more days he will be dropped from drivers ed.  (he does not like that at all) and we will not get the 300 dollars back or credited for next semester.   Once gain he has been sick, very sick not just blowing it off.  Poor husband called, his day has been on the same track and will be late.  With that there are a few more things to help out with.  I'll be glad to see this day end.  No gym or work out.  No work done.  Did not eat anything until 3:30, oh well.  

Will come back later when things are all done and quiet.  Determined to end this day on a positive note!

Tuesday Drop In

The weigh in stayed the same on Sunday.  Started this week out with a pretty bad cold but hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow.  I'll be going to doctor's appointments this morning and afternoon.  

BBL

 ~just a thought to remind myself.

Today and night went way to fast.  This is one pesky cold, going to bed early.  

Went to a dermatologist and finally was told the stuff on my hand is a type of eczema.  Have to change soaps, got medicated cream and moisturizer (plus a list of other doctor's orders).   Hoping this finally works.  

The foot doctor was very happy with the progress of the healing.  He thought the toes were healing backwards though.  He had worried about the big toe (he tells me now ;-) )  and that one is back to normal.  It is the other two toes next to it that are still healing.  He thinks they should both come around in time.  I can keep the exercise the same for now since I'm doing a little more than he thought for now but it seems to be going all right.    Oh, keep sneezing and the eyes are tearing... I give up.  Hoping to wake up better, fingers crossed :-).